Trying to reach for another soul
by idleiys
Summary: "Who are you doing this for?" Jac knows very well why she decided to stay but will she ever find the courage to tell Fletch it was him who she stayed for.
1. You can't take back the things you said

Hi! This is the first fanfiction I've ever written and I'm not a native English speaker so I'm kinda nervous to post this here. But I hope you enjoy this.

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"Who are you doing this for?"

Jac felt restless. She had gone to bed early and slept for a few hours but then woken up in the small hours. Now she found it difficult to fall asleep again. She laid on her side and stared at the white windowpanes. Shadows were dancing on her face and she couldn't stop thinking about what had happened over the last couple of days.

Jac hadn't told Fletch she had thought about leaving. Fletch had confronted her in the theater which had led to an argument and her telling him to go home. That she had no use for him. Jac acknowledged that she had been too harsh with him. Cruel even. With Essie scrubbing in to assist Jac, the surgery itself had been text-book. Well, after all, she was Jac Naylor. The Jac Naylor. Elliot Hope's little protege, who had grown out the boots she had been given when she had replaced Elliot as the clinical lead of Darwin. She was good, the best, the queen of heart surgery and she knew that.

Later on that day they had had yet another argument. And that was when Fletch had asked Jac why she had decided to stay. Now, one could say that that wasn't a tough question to answer. But she was Jac Naylor and Jac Naylor didn't answer questions that had anything to do with her personal life. Deep down Jac knew very well why she had stayed. More importantly who had made her stay. She was doing it for Fletch. After everything they had been through lately, Jac knew Fletch needed her. That's why she had chosen not to go anywhere in the first place. Least Jac had thought she could do, had been to look after him. Too bad, she hadn't had the courage to tell Fletch that she was doing it for him. Jac had wanted to scream from the top of her lungs that he had made her stay. But the words had never come out of her. They were trapped inside of her. She so hungered to tell him she liked him more than as a colleague, but she didn't know how, when or where. The walls on Darwin had ears, and Jac wasn't a huge fan of rumors.

In the beginning, Jac had seen Fletch just as another irritating nurse. So unsurprisingly preconceived of her. But she had soon learned she had been wrong about him. Nowadays Fletch was everything but just another irritating nurse to her. She willingly gave him credit for being good at his job. He was hard-working, competent, compassionate and managed to perform miracles on a strict budget. He looked out for his people and clearly loved his children to the moon and back. More than anything else, Jac appreciated how Fletch had been there for her when she had needed help the most. He hadn't even judged her or made her look weak. Fletch was her another pair of hands, professional support, and most importantly a friend Jac had never thought she would ever need. And now she was falling for him.

Jac couldn't recall the exact moment she had started to fall for Fletch. It had taken her a few weeks even to realize what was happening. The other day, she had had an awkward conversation with her patient Becky, who had asked Jac if she liked Fletch. Of course, Jac had denied having any feelings for him. To be fair, having any feelings for him hadn't occurred to Jac until that conversation. After Becky had pointed out how hot Fletch was, Jac had started to see him in a different light. Jac had soon realized that she, in fact, cared about him a little bit more than she was willing to admit. Not just as a friend and a co-worker but as something more than that. Jac didn't have the exact word for that feeling, but it had been there when she had been first with Joseph and then with Jonny. Only this time it didn't feel as complex.

Jac knew very well that she had hurt Fletch not once or twice but thrice: first by keeping a secret from him, then by saying she had no use for him and then again by not telling him how she really felt for him. But what had been done had been done and now Jac felt bad for doing that. Out of all people she had been mean to Fletch. To the person who had always been nothing but kind to her. To the person who put up with her little fits on the daily basis and never even complained. He was a father of four and had lost both his wife and his best friend and yet he hadn't let the world make him cynical. Jac hadn't meant to hurt Fletch. It was just her arrogance and inability to show any affection that made her either say almost every thought that would come to her mind or bottle everything up.

Fletch had walked into Jac's life and become her friend. When they first had begun to work together, neither of them had put much thought into befriending each other. Much to their surprise that had happened and now Jac was falling for Fletch fast and hard. She didn't want to admit it, but she couldn't deny it. He had the power to read her like an open book and she both hated and loved that about him. She loved that she didn't have to explain herself to Fletch. Jac loved that he respected her boundaries when it came to talking about personal stuff or Jac pushing herself to work too much and too soon after the shooting. She hated that they had grown so close ever since the day Fletch had moved to work on Darwin. Jac didn't let anyone close her – except for Sacha and Emma – and she liked it that way. Her life was easier when it was just her, Emma and her work. She kind of hated Fletch for just being Fletch.

Fletch was her opposite. Always patient, peaceful and caring. Even when Jac had called Raf's vinyl collection stupid, he had stayed calm. Even when she had told him she didn't know what he wanted from her, he had just taken a deep breath and said: "I know." He hadn't even elevated the volume of his voice. That's why he made such a good nurse. Jac wasn't much like him but maybe that was the reason why she had started to fall for him in the first place. Jac hated not only Fletch for being Fletch and how things were between the two of them, but also herself for letting her guard down and Fletch into her life. She was always the one who somehow managed to destroy the men she was with and hurt herself in the process. That was the reason why she hadn't told Fletch she had decided to stay for him. She wanted to protect both from the pain she knew would eventually come.

After a good while of rolling around in her bed, Jac knew she couldn't fall asleep again. She had been lying awake for too long. She shifted to sit, brushed her hair behind her ears and sighed before checking her phone. No received messages or emails. It was already 5 AM and her shift would begin in three hours. Before that, she needed to get Emma to the crèche. She got up. The hardwood floor felt cool under her warm feet causing her to shiver. The twinge on her left side made Jac take a few seconds to catch her breath. "Collect yourself." She muttered as she leaned against her bedside table. A warm bath (with a bath bomb and a face mask and some body oil afterward) would do wonders. She would bathe and take all the time she needed to get ready before she was going to wake Emma up. They'd spend a moment cuddling before Jac would bathe and feed her daughter. She would then have her own breakfast - a cup of coffee and two slices of toast with avocado topped with some sea salt and black pepper - while Emma watches Peppa Pig on the telly. Yes, that was what they were going to do. They would have a normal morning and Jac wouldn't show her daughter that deep inside she was hurting. No, not in front of her daughter.


	2. Should I keep chasing pavements?

"Beep!"

The red traffic light had turned to green, but Fletch hadn't noticed it until a loud honk had startled him. "Sorry." He muttered as he pressed the pedal. Not that there was a single passenger awake to hear his apology but he was a gentleman to the core. Always considerate and politically correct.

Fletch had picked Ella and Theo up from the crèche. His kids had fallen asleep in the back seat of his car. That had taken a couple of minutes of loud shrieks and whining but nevertheless, the kids were now sleeping safe and sound, and Fletch was sitting in quietness. Practically alone. He had lost his awareness of his surroundings for what had to be the tenth time over the past couple of days.

Fletch liked to think that people had buttons. Multiple buttons to be exact. And usually, a machine with multiple buttons came with the instruction for use. You know, one of those thick manuals that no-one bothers to read but still chooses to save just in case they might need it in the future.

Fletch was good with people. It was like he had the instructions for how every single patient and their family members worked. He knew how to read people, what to say to them and how to be the shoulder to cry on when needed. What buttons to push to get the information he needed from his patients to treat them. It all came very naturally from him except for one person. Jac was different. Too complex for Fletch.

Fletch didn't understand how Jac worked. It was like he didn't have any instructions for her. One day she could be all bubbly and warm and friendly and shamelessly let that show. The next day she could be right back to her usual Jac-Naylorness. There wasn't really an in-between in her.

Lately, Jac had been showing Fletch a lot of the soft side of hers. Fletch knew that was something Jac didn't do very often. There had even been moments when he could have sworn that Jac had been flirting with him. He had felt the electricity and sparks in the air. All those lingering looks and flirtatious conversation and smiles they had shared.

Earlier today, the had shared a pizza in her office's privacy. They had chatted about their children and plans for the upcoming weekend. That's when Fletch had asked Jac and Emma to join him and the kids in the zoo. He didn't know what had gotten into him when he had referred their visit to the zoo to a date. Fletch had stared into Jac's eyes regretting that he had even let the word date slip out of his mouth. "She's gonna kill me." he had thought. But much to his surprise, Jac hadn't even called him out for doing that. She had seemed rather cool that their hangout had been called a date, and had agreed to join the Fletcher's. A little hesitantly, Fletch could tell.

Roughly a half an hour after their lunch break Fletch had dropped by Jac's office to inform her about something. He couldn't recall what he had told her. Everything had happened so fast, and the next thing Fletch could remember was him standing a tad bit too close to Jac after he had wiped a stain off the corner of her lips.

Jac had stared into his eyes and Fletch could've sworn that she had been holding her breath. He had studied her face for a brief second before realizing what he was doing. He had crossed the line between professional and what was considered appropriate between two colleagues. Fletch had taken a step back before making a rather lame exit from the situation by telling Jac he needed to get back to his work. "Me too." She had answered to Fletch and nodded before she had left the room leaving him alone.

Fletch had tried to be there for Jac. He had helped her on Darwin as part of his job as the D.O.N. just like he was supposed to do. Additionally, he had helped Jac out by looking after Emma when she had needed to rush to the theatre to do an emergency surgery. Not to mention any of the many trips to the loo, which Fletch had helped Jac make after she had stubbornly declined using a bedpan while she had been on bedrest after the shooting. Or the time he had held her in his arms when she had had a panic attack.

For a short while that had seemed to be working. Fletch had gotten his hopes up and thought he had found a way to connect with Jac, earn her trust so that she'd open up to him. But, oh boy, how wrong had he been. She hadn't told him she had considered leaving. He had heard it from Essie, who wasn't technically speaking Jac's friend and Fletch knew that. But she had shut him out of his life by keeping such a big secret from him.

Fletch had looked at Jac in the theatre and asked her why she had decided to stay. Even hoped for her to say something. But no, she had remained silent. What had he even been expecting from her? She was Jac Naylor and Jac Naylor didn't really do any talking. He had patiently waited for her response but she had just told Fletch to go home. So typical of her.

At this point, Fletch wasn't sure anymore if he even wanted to be with Jac. Not even as a friend. He knew it was Jac. He knew it wasn't easy for her to be share parts of her life with anyone. He knew that so damn well but it still didn't take away the pain of being shut out of her life. Fletch had wanted to, even tried to, be there for Jac as a colleague, as a friend and as someone who genuinely liked her but she just kept pulling and pushing him. Yes, he liked her and had even looked forward to their date at the zoo, but he was a father of four. He couldn't just bring any woman into his children's lives if he wasn't sure that it was going to last. That's why he had told Jac that they should keep it professional.

Fletch took a turn to the left to their home street. At the end of the always so quiet street stood their house. Two floors, four bedrooms, a bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. It wasn't the biggest or newest but it did its job of keeping them warm and making them feel home. Just like it was supposed to do. Fletch didn't complain even though their mornings were usually filled with fights over who had the right to use its only bathroom first. They had a roof on top of their head. Now that Fletch was the D.O.N. they even had a brand new TV.

"Ella, time to wake up," Fletch said softly as he helped Theo out of his safety seat. Evie and Mikey had already gotten home from school and they were supposed to be doing their homework. As if Mikey ever really did his homework. Evie on the other hand, she was the more responsible one of the two.

"We're home!" Fletch shouted as he closed the door behind him and his two youngest. No answer. Ah, another evening at the Fletcher's! He helped both Ella and Theo remove their jackets and shoes and watched as they both run off to the room they shared together leaving their dad alone in the hall.

Fletch couldn't help but sigh heavily. All four of his kids were growing up and two oldest of them were already in their early teens. They had grown out of the phase of sharing everything with their daddy. Fletch couldn't have proper conversations with his two youngest, not yet. Evenings like this made Fletch miss his late wife and Raf. He would have wanted to come home knowing that there would be someone asking him about his day. Not to a place that was his home but had lately started to feel empty in the night when all of his children were sleeping in their rooms. Out of all days, this was the one Fletch would have wanted to talk about with Raf.

"I miss you mate." He whispered and walked to the kitchen. He had a dinner to prepare for his family. He would then get both Ella and Theo to bed before helping Evie and Mikey with their homework. Around 11 pm his oldests were in bed and he'd then have the rest of the night for himself. Alone.


	3. Mothers' hearts are warm and mild

Exactly at five past 8 in the morning Jac stopped at the crèche to drop Emma off. She was already running late due to some bumps in the road and getting frustrated. Emma had chosen to be an insanely stubborn 4-year-old this morning. Even more than usual. She had refused to leave the house without her beloved Sarah the Pig, whom she had hidden in one of the kitchen cupboards for god knows why the day before. Jac had spent over half an hour turning the whole house upside down to find Sarah. Apparently, Emma had found the whole situation funny and she hadn't helped her mom find the toy. Hadn't even tried to hide her mischievous little grin from which Jac knew her daughter remembered where Sarah was.

When Jac had finally found Sarah the Pig between two pans and a pot, they were already late by 15 minutes. She hadn't had time for her breakfast meaning she was now hungry and irritated as well as tired since a) she hadn't had much sleep the night before and b) she was running without any surgeon fuel aka strong coffee. Hadn't been the best start for a morning Jac admitted but as she held her daughter in her arms, she couldn't help but smile. She loved her little precious Emma to bits. Even on mornings like this when her daughter was pretty much driving her nuts, she couldn't stay mad at her for more than 5 minutes.

The créche seemed quite quiet for it being Wednesday morning around 8 o'clock. "Good." Jac thought, maybe Emma wouldn't get into trouble today by throwing toys at other children.

"Emma, mommy needs you to be a good girl today. No throwing wooden blocks at anyone, alright?" Jac knelt down to Emma's level and brushed a loose strand of hair behind her daughter's ear.

"Can mommy get a hug?" Jac asked with arms wide open. Emma jumped into her mom's embrace and wrapped her arms around Jac's neck. Jac kissed the top of daughter's head and inhaled deeply. Lavender and cinnamon toast and toothpaste and home. That was what Emma smelled like, and Jac hoped that they could just stay like this for the rest of the day. But she had a whole ward to run and she was already late.

"Okay, off you go. Mommy's gonna pick you up later." Jac said as she let go of Emma. She watched as her daughter run off to play with a bunch of kids and she couldn't help but smile ever so slightly. Underneath her cold facade, Jac had a heart of a lioness - especially when it came to Emma. She'd kill for her daughter.

Realizing she hadn't had eaten breakfast, Jac decided to stop at Pulse to grab something to eat in her office's peace. Luckily, she wasn't going to have a super busy day. Only some paperwork and, big thanks to Frieda, she had only one operation today. Frieda had told Jac that she needed more practice and asked Jac to delegate some of Jac's patients to her. Jac had been reluctant to do that at first but Frieda had kept asking so Jac had eventually given in. Right now Jac couldn't have been happier about that. She could eat her breakfast in her office's privacy instead of having to deal with patients when she was hungry and tired.

"A mozzarella toast and a cup of coffee. Large, no sugar, without milk." Jac made her order. She was in a mood for something salty and carbs. In less than five minutes she was standing in an empty elevator with her warm toast and large sized coffee on her way up to the sixth floor. Jac managed to get into her office without anyone ask her a question or stopping her to sign any paper. Maybe it was because she was radiation her usual dare-to-talk-to-me-before-I-have-had-my-coffee -attitude even more than usual or because everyone was super busy this morning. Either way, Jac couldn't care any less. She just wanted to sit down and devour her breakfast while doing some paperwork without any interruption.

About half an hour later the door of her office opened as _the certain director of nursing_ walked in. Jac couldn't stop a heavy exhale from escaping her lungs. She kept her focus on the file in front of her.

"Good morning." A familiar voice greeted her but she didn't bother to raise her eyes from the paper she was reading. Jac could hear it in Fletch's voice that he was smiling and from that, she assumed he was having a good day. She, on the other hand, not so much anymore now that someone had stepped into her office and bothered her.

"I'm in my office. The door was closed. What made you think you can just walk in without knocking first?" She knew very well this wasn't the first time he had just walked in and on any other day she probably wouldn't have had minded. Considering what had kept her awake the night before, she wasn't particularly down for him walking into her office just like that. Not today. Besides, his cheery attitude was already starting to get on her nerves.

"Well, you should put a 'knock' sign outside." He challenged. Jac lifted her eyes and met his gaze. He seemed tired, but he was still wearing that soft smile of his on his face.

"Tired, huh?" Fletch frowned his eyebrows as he stood in front of her desk holding two folds in his crossed arms.

"Emma had not one but two night terrors last night. Haven't had much sleep." Jac straight-faced lied to Fletch. Had he noticed that she wasn't telling the truth, he didn't say anything. Just nodded compassionately.

"What are you here for Fletcher? I thought you had a hospital to run."

"Which I do."

"So do I and I haven't got a whole day, so get to the point."

"Here's a couple of papers I need you to check and sign. Next month's budget and a theatre plan for Mrs. Pierce. Frieda wanted your opinion." He handed the folds to Jac. "And not that you're asking. A lunch before your surgery?"

Jac looked at him hesitating to answer. Normally she wouldn't have had second thoughts about having lunch together with Fletch but right now she wanted to stay away from him. He had asked to keep it professional and if keeping it professional what he really wanted, Jac was going to give it to him. To Jac that meant not interacting with him more than absolutely necessary. She herself wanted to see if she could stop herself from developing more feelings - or whatever it was that was going on in her head - for him. That was the decision she had made the night before when she had been rolling around in her bed trying to fall asleep. Jac didn't want to be near him because she knew she was getting herself in shallow waters if she kept hanging out with him. That would lead to her getting her cause the feeling wasn't mutual. It was clear to Jac now. He had said it. But as Jac kept staring into his eyes she couldn't help but nod. She found the soft look and a little bit of spark in Fletch's eyes irresistible. He had that effect on her

"Yea, why not."

"Great. See ya later then, Naylor." And with that, Fletch was gone and Jac was alone in her office. Accompanied by his cologne lingering in the air and her own heart pounding in her chest. _Why did he have to keep doing this?_ Jac felt like a teenager again - crushing so hard on boys that she couldn't say no to hanging out with them. Of course, back then it had been innocent, more simple. She had then grown up and learned that any serious relationship she would ever have would end terribly. She would mess things up, never learn from her mistakes and then repeat the exact same mistakes in the next relationship she would have. That had happened first with Joseph and then with Jonny. Jac knew she had hurt both and she deeply regretted it.

After what had happened with Jonny, Jac had decided that being alone would suit her and her lifestyle the best. She had Emma and she didn't need another man in her life. Life was a bit easier that way and she had been happy with that choice until she had met Fletch. She hadn't been able to say no to Fletch's offer although she knew she should have had. Now feeling anxious about what was going to happen on their lunch break, Jac returned to her work. She knew what she needed to say to him.


	4. We can't keep holding on to grudges

Around midday, Fletch stood outside Jac's office. He counted to three and knocked on the door. He had taken note from what Jac had said earlier that today wasn't one of those days when he could just walk into her office. He actually needed to knock first. She had said it, but Fletch had also noticed that she was touchier than usually. He didn't mind though. After the shooting, every single rant, witty comeback, eye roll and sighs of annoyance reminded Fletch of how thankful he should be. They only meant that she was recovering. As long as she wasn't a cow to her patients, Fletch wasn't going to tell her how she should behave.

"Frieda, I told you not to come back unless you have Mrs. Pierce's CT scan. I ha-"

"It's me." Fletch interrupted Jac and there was a pause a before she told him to come in.

"Ready for lunch?" Fletch asked as he closed the door behind him.

"Give me five minutes." Jac answered without even looking at Fletch. Typical Jac, he thought and sat down on the sofa. It was probably one of the comfiest, if not the comfiest, sofa he had ever sat on. He had sat there many times while having a conversation with her or waiting for her to finish her work before their lunch break.

Fletch studied Jac while she kept working on a small pile of sheets of paper. There wasn't much else he could be doing. He could stare at his feet or the white wall or the ceiling or his phone but he'd rather spend the waiting time looking at her. More than just a bit creepy, he had to admit that. Fletch knew Jac suffered from panic attacks so he had started to look for signs that indicated that she could be anxious. He had even been there looking after her, at her, by her bedside when she had been lying unconsciously in a hospital bed. Fletch had been worried about her. Still was. As a colleague and friend only like he had told Sacha.

Sacha had visited Jac daily when she had been on bedrest. It hadn't taken Sacha long to notice that Fletch was quite often keeping Jac's company. So one day Sacha had surprised Fletch by asking him if there was anything going on between them. Apparently, Jac had told Sacha she was glad Fletch had chosen to do some of his paperwork by her bedside so that she wouldn't have felt so lonely. "We're only colleagues." Fletch had told Sacha, who then had just patted Fletch's back and headed back to AAU.

There Fletch was again. Looking at Jac. Studying her posture, facial expressions, and the movements of her hand as she wrote. She was back in her game and Fletch couldn't have been happier that she had recovered fast. Sure, there had been some setbacks. She still had a long way to go, they both knew that. A couple of stitches had popped open which had slowed down her recovery by a week. Jac still had some pains, Fletch knew it although she was never going to admit having any to anyone. Fletch was worried that Jac was pushing herself too much and too early, but he didn't dare to confront her. No-one in their right mind would want to get between Jac Naylor and her work by questioning if she was fit to operate. Not even Frieda, who Fletch knew had a tendency to go against Jac's exact orders.

"Aaaand that was the last piece of paper." Jac broke the silence. Fletch met her eyes as Jac lifted her gaze from the paper she was reading. She wasn't wearing any makeup he noticed. The last time he had seen her like this was when she had been lying in the hospital bed.

"Hungry?" He asked.

"Dying." Was her short answer.

They both agreed that since they always ate at Pulse's, they should go out and get something else for a change. Preferably Indian if they could find a decent place that was open at lunchtime. Surprisingly, they managed to find one only a 5-minute walk from the hospital. It wasn't the biggest restaurant either of them had ever been to, but at least they were going get something else than their usuals. A chicken salad for Jac and a baguette and a bag of bacon flavored crisps for Fletch. Fletch held the door open for Jac and then followed her inside the restaurant. They were welcomed by a young waitress, who took their orders.

"I need to go the loo." Fletch excused himself and rushed off after making his order.

"I'll find us a table." He heard her reply.

When Fletch came back he spotted Jac sitting in the very corner of the dining hall. She seemed to be lost in her thoughts as she just stared at her hands without even fidgeting them. Their food had already been brought to the table, but she hadn't touched hers. At this point, it was clear to Fletch Jac wasn't having the best day of her life. He couldn't blame her, he would have been the same if his children had kept him up at night.

"So, Emma's been having night terrors?" Fletch asked as he sat down. Jac's eyes darted at him and Fletch gave her a reassuring smile.

"Y-yea." She answered. "Sorry I was in my thoughts."

Fletch could see Jac was unsure where their conversation was going. He would have wanted to ask more details, but decided not to ask. He knew when not to push Jac.

"I remember when Evie and Mikey were Emma's age. It sucks, and believe me when I tell you'll learn to appreciate coffee more." He tried to console Jac. He was Adrian Fletcher and Adrian Fletcher wasn't the best at keeping his pieces of advice to himself since. That was one of the many reasons why he was well liked and respected by his peers and patients.

"Double espresso will soon be your new best friend. I dunno how I would've survived if I haven't drunk a cup or two a day." Fletch chuckled as he ripped the naan bread they had ordered in half. What he just said had been meant to be a joke. But it failed to be one as it didn't really lighten up the atmosphere around the table at all. Fletch sighed and leaned forward on his chair lowering his voice.

"Have you talked with Jonny about it?" He asked this time with a more serious tone in his voice.

"It's nothing I can't manage." Jac answered.

"Seriously? He's Emma's dad."

"And?"

"Don't ya think he needs to know, you numpty?" Fletch stared Jac demandingly. She just leaned back on her chair avoiding his eyes. Just from that Fletch knew she wasn't really in the mood for discussing this particular topic. She hadn't even called him out for calling her numpty.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice."

She didn't bother to answer, just shook her head still avoiding his eye contact before taking the first bite of her chicken tikka masala.

"Look Jac. It gets better. Kids, they grow up and out of that phase and sooner than you realize they aren't small anymore. Then you'll miss those nights when they want to cuddle with you. Mikey and Evie don't want to be hugged anymore, you know, teens." Fletch laughed softly. "But it does break my hear a bit every time they refuse to give their old dad a hug."

Much of Fletch's surprise, he saw a gentle smile on Jac's face as she shook her head. This time she was looking back at him.

"What? Do I have food on my face?"

"You're not old Adrian." Jac answered. Fletch knew she was right. Well, kinda. He wasn't old old yet. But he knew he wasn't young either. It had started to show. He had some gray in his hair, a little bit of a dad bod and even some lines at the corners of his eyes from laughing and working night shifts. Fletch didn't mind that his hair was getting gray already. At least he wasn't balding cause he was sure that that wouldn't suit him. Fletch did try his best to go to the gym but having a demanding job and four children that kept him busy after work meant he didn't always have the time or the energy to exercise. Not as much as he would have wanted to. And he was quite often so tired after his shift that he didn't have the energy to cook. So it wasn't that rare of an occasion that he arrived home from work with four boxes of pizza. He wasn't very proud of that but it kept his children happy.

"But I'm not young, am I? This morning -" Fletch paused to take a sip of water. "- I woke up with back pain and last week my left knee hurt. Can you believe I can't beat Mikey in table tennis anymore? Plus studying French with Evie is just a nightmare. As soon as I learn a new word, I forget another one. Evie will be fluent in no time. I can throw pretty good punches though."

"Welcome to the middle ages. It's all downhill from this." Jac joked. Fletch knew she had a fair point. She wasn't the youngest either. He had noticed the lines under her eyes one day in the theatre. She didn't have the same angular body he remembered she had when they had first met a few years back. Losing Raf had made Fletch very aware of the fact that neither he or Jac was immortal.

There was a small pause in their conversation as they kept eating.

"I... I was going to tell you I was leaving. I sent you a text before -" Jac said quietly. His eyes met Jac's as he studied the expression on her face. He could see she was struggling to find words.

"- you got shot." Fletch continued the sentence for her and received a soft nod from her. He leaned forward little unsure whether to touch her hand that was resting on the table or not. He respectively chose not to break the touch barrier.

"I'm sorry Fletch." She took a small pause as she inhaled. "I truly am."

"Jac..."

"No Fletch, listen. I should've told you when I had the opportunity. I had so many opportunities and I said nothing and that's not okay. I apologize for that. And I know I was a cow to you yesterday so I'm apologizing for that as well."

It wasn't particularly easy for her to admit she had been wrong and say that she was sorry, Fletch knew that. She wouldn't do such a thing unless she really meant it and this time there was no sign of hesitation in her words. Fletch could tell Jac really had meant what she had just said. He nodded, showing Jac that her apology had been heard and appreciated.

"Are we good?" He asked her a little concerned whether she had said everything she had intended to say or not.

"Yea."

After that, they fell silent as they continued to eat. Neither of them was bothered by it. Fletch liked that they didn't have to talk at all and they still would still feel relaxed. There wasn't much left to be said anymore. They had made a truce.


	5. You woke up this dark soul of mine

On next Saturday Jac was sitting on an airplane seat on her flight to a minimally invasive cardiothoracic surgery conference, that was going to be held in Helsinki next week. Such a long and difficult word for a thing that was one of Jac's many specialties she had mastered over the years in her career. It certainly wasn't her first time on an airplane or going to a conference, as it was all part of her job as the clinical lead of Darwin. Furthermore, she felt like it was her duty to be there. She was the best CT surgeon compared to the whole universe. That's what she had once proudly claimed to be to her late half-sister Jasmin. She needed to be there. For Holby, for Elliot, for herself and last but not the least for Jasmin.

Jac had done this whole traveling-because-of-work-thing so many times before that one could think she had gotten used to it. Except, this time she was traveling with Emma, which made Jac feel sick to her stomach. Her daughter, however, didn't seem to notice that anything was wrong with her mom. She was sitting in her seat watching Peppa Pig on Jac's iPad and not even blinking her eyes.

When Jac had been younger, she had enjoyed traveling to conferences and meetings. Sure, the traveling part had been tiring even back then. The conference itself had always been and still was, worth the discomfort of traveling. The rush of adrenaline after giving a pitch as a senior registrar to nurses, junior doctors, and other registrars. Even to consultants. The joy of learning something new and getting her questions answered. Not to mention the feeling of excitement she had gotten from challenging consultants, some of whom were many years to her senior back then, by asking tons of questions from them. Meeting new people. Networking. Visiting foreign towns. All so worth the jetlags and stress and all the delayed flights.

Back in her registrar days, Jac had always attended the dinners and drinks after the conference. Sometimes just to network with other surgeons. Some other times with the intention of finding someone she could spend the night with. She was no new to all that one-nighter-stuff. Back then she hadn't had second thoughts about having a one night stand with a person she was probably never going to see again. But Jac knew things had changed a lot since her registrar days. Having flings just wasn't something she found appealing anymore. She was older now and had gained a reputation as one of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the whole world, which meant that she was highly respected and looked up to. Some people were even scared of her. For her, casual sex didn't fit into that equation anymore. She didn't want it, so she wasn't going to have.

People sure change over time, even Jac. Once scared of the idea of having a family, she was a mother now. She knew she needed to look after her daughter, which this time had meant that she had had to take Emma with her. Jonny had miserably failed at being a participating parent in Emma's life by deciding to do double shifts, although Jac had told him many weeks in advance that she was attending this conference. He had forgotten, which hadn't surprised Jac at all. He had then suggested hiring a nanny, but that option had been out of a question immediately. Jac wasn't willing to put Emma's life in the hands of a complete stranger. When Jac had moaned Fletch about the whole situation, he had offered to help her out by looking after Emma. Typical Fletch, Jac had thought and turned down his offer.

"I appreciate your offer but you are already too busy with your four." She had told him. And because Fletch was Fletch, he then had tried to argue with Jac by saying plus one wouldn't make such a big difference. She still hadn't accepted his offer. So due to the circumstances - and mostly to her own stubbornness - Jac's only choice had been taking Emma with her.

Emma had been more than excited when Jac had told her she was going to travel with her mom. What a four-year-old, who had never been abroad before, wouldn't have been? And there lied the reason behind Jac's ever-growing anxiety. She was going to be in a foreign country with her stubborn four-year-old who definitely wasn't always the best at listening to her mother. The mere thought of a situation like that could make any parent sick to the stomach. Jac tried to hide her anxiousness the best she could, but she didn't feel like she was doing a good job. She hated feeling like this vulnerable trapped inside of a room full of people. She knew she couldn't go anywhere. Couldn't run away and hide.

Emma, who had been occupied by Peppa Pig during the whole flight, was now trying to climb onto Jac's lap. She pulled her mother's arm and mumbled something Jac didn't quite hear.

"What is it?" Jac asked softly as Emma hid her face against her mother's side. She was scared, Jac could tell that. It broke Jac's heart to see her little Emma like this. So tiny, so pale, so frightened.

"Shhhh. Come here." She said as she lifted Emma on her lap and kissed the top of her daughter's head.

"Everything's okay. The plane is just shaking a bit." Jac said reassuringly as she stroked her daughter's hair. She rocked Emma on her lap and hummed quietly. She would do anything to make Emma feel safe. Jac herself hadn't gotten that from her own mom many years ago. She had sworn to make sure Emma would never have to go through the pain of being abandoned. Emma would never have to feel like not-belonging if it was up to Jac. She would take a bullet or even kill for Emma if she had to.

Unfortunately, their little snuggling session was soon interrupted by a rather young-looking stewardess.

"Madam, we are preparing to land soon, she needs to sit in her own seat."

"She is scared and upset." Jac clearly stated and held Emma a little tighter. There was no tremble or anger in Jac's voice, which surprised even Jac herself. Maybe Emma was calming Jac's anxieties.

"I am sorry, madam. We real..." Jac cut the stewardess, who was already starting to annoy her, off by raising her eyebrows. She could see the glimpse of terror in the eyes of the young lady. The famous Jac Naylor eyebrow lift never failed to work. The stewardess kindly apologized, turned on her heels and walked away leaving the mother and daughter alone.

They had checked in to their hotel around 7 in the evening. A dinner, warm bath together and almost two hours later, they both were laying in Jac's bed. Both squeaky clean in their jammies, teeth brushed. Emma's hair was braided and Jac had put hers up in a bun. It was already past Emma's bedtime, but Jac didn't want to make a fuss about that. Emma staying up an hour later every now and then hurt nobody and this time they even got to sleep in the morning. Jac was reading Ronia, the Robber's daughter, to Emma, who had already fallen asleep. Jac herself was so immersed in the story that she wasn't noticing that her daughter's eyes were closed. Anyone who has ever read Ronia, the Robber's daughter wouldn't blame Jac for letting that happen.

Soon Emma's head bumped against Jac's side and that was when Jac finally noticed she had been reading for herself for god know how long. She carefully placed a soft kiss on Emma's forehead before she stood up. Her leg was feeling a bit numb and there was moderate discomfort in her left side. She could help but sigh heavily. She was frustrated by the fact that her body still in the process of healing. And flying wasn't really making that quicker. She should've thought about that.

Jac stared out the window. She looked at the people who walked under the streetlights. Some were clearly intoxicated. A group of young men was singing a song as they passed by the hotel. She saw people coming from work, going to the gym, couples holding hands, joggers and groups of friends going out on a Saturday night. Her mind wandered to Holby, which suddenly brought her to the realization that she had forgotten to call Fletch. "You better call me and let me know that you haven't gotten drown in the snow. Or alternatively, I could call you in the middle of the night and wake you both up. It's up to you. You can run from me but you can't get completely rid of me for a week." He had jokingly insisted. Jac took her phone and dialed Fletch number. She took a deep breath before pressing "call".

Beep... beep... beep...

"Well, good evening Jac."

"Hi, Fletch. You wanted me to call you."

"And that I did." Jac could hear he was in the middle of something at the moment judging from the high-pitched shrieks in the background.

"Sorry, is it bad timing?"

"No. The kids are just playing."

"Darwin?"

"Busy as always. Frieda did a successful endovascular aneurysm repair and I heard some good news about Ollie. He is taking walks and he even diagnosed a patient today. Roxanna is afraid it was a coincidence and she doesn't want to get anyone's hopes up just yet. She did say it seems like he's making progress, so I guess that's a good thing." Jac heard Fletch answer. She could've sworn he was smiling.

"That's... great news."

"If you say so. Oh, how's Helsinki by the way?"

"Cold."Jac answered bluntly. She could hear Fletch chuckle and couldn't help but smile.

"I bet it is. How's Emma? Excited to see the snow?"

"She's asleep now. Didn't really enjoy the flight but you should've seen her face when we got out of the airport. Your kids would love it here."

There was a short pause before Fletch answered.

"Well, maybe next year I have the time and the money to actually take them to somewhere." A wave of guilty flushed over Jac as she heard his words. She was aware that she had only one child to feed and she earned a few times his salary and she hadn't really meant to underline that. She was about to apologize but was suddenly cut off by Fletch telling her to hold on.

"Ella! Daddy's gonna help you in a sec."

"Look, I gotta go Jac. Enjoy your conference and don't worry about Darwin. We've got your back. Good night!"

"Night, Fletch."


	6. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

"Dinner's ready!" Fletch shouted as he pulled the Sheperd's pie he had been making out of the oven. Tonight he had had time to cook for his family. He had shamelessly used instant mashed potatoes and asked Evie and Mikey to do all the chopping for him while he himself had done their laundry. Fletch heard footsteps stamp against the hardwood floor and in a couple of seconds, Ella and Evie marched together into the kitchen. That was two ready to eat and two missing.

"Mikey and Theo!"

"Yea yea dad, I'm coming." His eldest son answered as he walked into the room. Three out of four.

"Where's Theo?" Fletch asked Mikey. He knew they had been doing homework together.

"Crying," answered Mikey.

"Crying? Did you upset him?"

"Course not!"

Fletch studied his son's face. He knew his children through and through. Something about Mikey's expression told Fletch that his son wasn't speaking the honest truth. He took a deep breath and counted to ten before relaxing his shoulders. There was no use in getting angry at Mikey right now, Theo needed him more. Fletch knew he wasn't the only one who had recently lost a friend. His children had gone through a loss of a person, who had been like a family member to them. He could sense his children were still quite in shock and trying their best to wrap their little heads around the fact that their beloved uncle Raf was never coming back from work again. He didn't have the heart to be super strict with the children at the moment.

"Well, if you say so." Fletch said softly, yet firmly. He wanted to make sure Mikey understood that he knew his son was hiding something.

"I'll go get him. You three may start."

Fletch found Theo in the living room. His youngest son was curled up on the sofa, hiding his face behind a decorative cushion he was hugging. It broke Fletch's heart to see Theo - any of his children - like this.

"What is it?"

"Mikey told Raf will never come home." The pain in Theo's teary eyes was almost too much for Fletch to handle. He had to really fight back his own tears as he wrapped his arms around Theo before kissing the top of his head.

"You miss him don't ya?" He asked softly.

Theo answered by nodding his head.

"Look Theo. None of us is going to be on Earth forever. But they are always going to be in here." Fletch pressed his palm against Theo's heart. "It's okay to cry and be upset and miss them, but as long as you have them in your heart, they are never going to leave your side."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. You don't remember your mom, but I'll always remember her because I have her in here." This time Fletch pressed his hand against his own chest. "She's looking at us and so is uncle Raf. And I'm sure they both would have wanted to see you smile on a Tuesday evening especially when we are having your favorite food for dinner."

He could see how Theo's face lit up.

"Sheperd's pie!"

"That's right. Come on, let's go."

Twenty minutes later the whole Fletcher gang was sitting around the dining table. They all had half-finished servings on their plates.

"Mikey, how was your exam?" Fletch asked.

"Tried my best but it was hard."

"Good job. I'm very proud of you. Starting to take that school thing seriously, huh?"

"Well duh, if my plan of becoming the next Beckham doesn't work out I better have a plan B. I'm not gonna be like a car mechanic or something. I'm gonna be a lawyer."

"Hey! What's wrong with becoming a car mechanic?" Fletch joked and pretended to be hurt by his son's words. Clearly, he wasn't.

"He's doing it for a girl." Evie blurted out and received a death glare from her brother.

"Oh, you've found yourself a girl?" Fletch teased Mikey.

"I wanna be an astronaut!" Ella shouted at the top of her lungs and made the whole family burst into a laughter.

"Alright, does anyone want to have some more?"

All of his children shook their heads.

"Okay then. You two are free to go after you've cleaned out the table." He pointed at his two eldest. "And no moaning about it. You know the rules. You two loons, who is taking a bath first? Theo? Alright, go get your towel. Ella, could you help Mikey and Evie?"

Later that same night Fletch was sitting alone in the kitchen that had just a few hours ago been filled with joyous laughter and enthusiastic chat. This time he was surrounded by nothing but his own thoughts and feelings. You know, those dark ones that come to mind in the late hours when you are alone and tired after a long day. They were keeping his company along with another familiar friend of his, insomnia.

Tears were slowly rolling down Fletch cheeks as he stared at the bottom of the empty teacup he was holding. Seeing Theo so miserable earlier that day had brought up some very painful memories that Fletch had hidden somewhere deep inside of him a long time ago. He was still just starting to come to terms with Raf's death himself and watching his children struggle wasn't making his own healing process any easier. He didn't like to show his weakness in front of his children. He was their only parent. He was supposed to be the one who looked after them and made sure they had everything they needed. Not burst into tears in front of them.

Before Fletch had gotten the DoN position, he had barely managed to make the ends meet. His parents-in-laws had helped him out by looking after their grandchildren. That's how Fletch had been able to do extra shifts every now and then. He didn't think he had deserved their help. Not after what he had done to their daughter Natalie. He had hurt her and was very aware that her parents were still at least somewhat mad at him. Fletch wasn't proud of what he had done to Natalie, to his now late wife, but he couldn't take it back anymore.

After all the years, Fletch still didn't know where their marriage had started to fall into pieces. He had loved the mother of his children very dearly. They had decided to get married and started a family. Talked about building their own dream house to live in till death was going to do them apart. But somewhere in the middle of changing the nappies and many sleepless nights and the pregnancies, he and Natalie had started to grow apart. That's when Fletch had lost her the first time.

Around the same time, Fletch had met Tess Bateman. A brilliant nurse, who had brought the spark and excitement back into Fletch's life. Their relationship had started out as friends but turned into something more as one thing had led to another and another and another. Innocent flirting between two friends had led to a drunken kiss and them sleeping together. He should've known better and he definitely should have ended it all right there. Instead, it had started an affair behind Natalie's back. All because lust and alcohol can make people do stupid mistakes. Add love to that cocktail, and someone is bound to get hurt.

Eventually, Natalia had started to suspect Fletch was having an affair with someone. He had denied it first. That's when Tess' consciousness had kicked in. She had realized that she was hurting his whole family. She had been the one who had ended it between her and Fletch. She had told him he needed to be with his family and after that conversation, they both had continued their own lives as close friends.

But the guilt inside of Fletch had kept growing, and one day the burden had become too much for him to carry. He had told Natalie about the affair. That's when he had lost her the second time. He never mentioned the name of the woman. After all, he was Fletch and it wasn't in his nature to put the blame on someone else. He should've known better. It had been his mistake, and therefore the responsibility had been his to take. That's what he had thought. Needless to say, he had been protecting Tess as well.

The series of mishaps hadn't stopped there. Natalie had found out that it had been Tess. After that, she had been devastated for many weeks and they had separated for a short while. That being the third time he had lost her. Somehow they still had managed to make reconciliation. Fletch hadn't thought Natalie could ever take him back and he certainly hadn't guessed he would lose her again. For the fourth time and for good this time.

Cause of death: severe damage to the brain due to internal bleeding during surgery.

"We did all we could." He had been left alone with four children, a broken heart, and financial troubles.

Now that Fletch was the DoN they had it easier. They didn't roll in the money, but he didn't have to count every penny. At least that weight was off his shoulders. He even had some extra money in his bank account at the end of each month. That extra money he transferred to his saving account. One day he was going take his children abroad for a holiday. Fletch knew it was going to take a while to afford the plane tickets and hostels and food, but it didn't matter. He could bear the wait if it meant that someday they were going to spend a week or two in somewhere else than Holby.

"Just like Jac and Emma right now." Fletch thought. He knew damn well that they weren't on holiday. She had been sent there by Serena and therefore wasn't on a fun, relaxing holiday. Well for Jac it probably was a holiday, but Jac was Jac. A little weirdo of her own. Fletch couldn't imagine her as someone, who spent her holidays walking in Yorkshire.

He knew it was both an honor and a huge responsibility to go to a conference and represent the whole hospital there. Still, he couldn't help but feel a bit jealous. Jac had some free time for fun activities with Emma after seminars and meetings. And she wasn't flying back until Saturday evening. Because the conference was going to over by Thursday, they were going have over 36 hours just to themselves. Fletch was sure they were going to do something fun and cool. Like ice-skating. Yea, that's what they were going to do, he was so sure of that.

At times like this Fletch felt alone. He had his children, who were the light of his life, but he was still a single parent. Raising his children. He had his job and colleagues at work. His friends were his friends and support but they were still _just_ his friends. This feeling of loneliness wasn't something that had just recently come into his life, it had been there for quite a while already. Ever since the day he had started to grow apart from Natalie. And now that he didn't have his closest friend in his life anymore, he felt more lost than ever before. Hopeless even.

Raf had been his mate. The one Fletch had always relied on if he had needed a babysitter or a shoulder to cry against or a buddy to go to Albie's for after work. Raf wasn't there in his life anymore, and that thought made Fletch feel lonelier than ever before. Salty tears burned Fletch's cheeks as he tried to cry the pain inside of him away. He felt tired but sleepless. Empty. Lost. Lonely.


	7. I'll be there for you

Thank you all who have left reviews for your kind words. Your support encourages me to write more and ease my doubts about my skills when it comes to telling a story.

* * *

Jac and Emma had flown back to Britain on Saturday. They had spent their Sunday chilling at home, baking chocolate chip cookies and watching Peppa Pig together. All the usual things they liked to do together on the weekends when Emma wasn't staying at Jonny's.

It was Monday now and Jac was back at work on Darwin. She had arrived an hour earlier than usual just to make sure she had had some time to skim through all the files from the past week. Despite Fletch's best efforts to convince her that they had had her back, Jac had felt quite skeptical about the ward not having fell into complete chaos in her absence. But that chaos hadn't happened, which delighted her. She should've known better, and she definitely should have put more trust in Fletch.

If this Monday had started off well, by midday the day had taken a turn to the opposite. One of the patients on Darwin had died of complications after a quite simple procedure. Part of the job, Jac was aware of that, but a death of a patient was never an easy thing to handle. Plus, losing a patient so early in the morning had the tendency to set the mood for the rest of the day. Death was just one of the many things doctors just had to get on with while they carried on working. The time for talking about this death would come after work, as for now, they had other patients to help.

In addition to that, Fletch had been late for work this morning. Only by half an hour, which wasn't that much. Still late and not acceptable. It wasn't usual for him to come late, but he had apologized, so Jac had been willing to brush it under the rug just this time. Fletch had gone straight to his work and hadn't come out his office since. That wasn't usual for him either. Normally there wasn't a morning when he didn't pop into Jac's office at least once in every hour. Jac had just shrugged her shoulders, thought that maybe he was just super busy today.

Now Jac was looking through one of her patient's files at the nurse's station as she was getting ready for theatre. Percutaneous coronary intervention, a piece of cake procedure for her.

"Ms. Petrenko, have you seen Mr. Armstrongs' consent forms? They are not here." Jac asked as she skimmed through the papers.

"Ask Mr. Fletch. He was supposed to do it two hours ago." She heard Frieda answer.

Jac sighed. It was obviously a time for her to have a little chat with Fletch. Seemed like he was off his game this morning. He never forgot to do anything, and if he had been too busy to do this task, he would've asked someone else to do it for him. Jac needed him to assist in a transplant surgery later in the day, but right now she wasn't sure if she could trust that he could do it.

Jac walked into Fletch's office. Her steps sharp and determined. She didn't bother knocking before entering the room and with a loud thump, she stopped right at his desk.

"Did you forget to ask Mr. Armstrong to sign the consent forms?" The tone of her own voice took Jac aback. Although she was a little annoyed that she needed to remind Fletch to do his job, there was no sign of anger in her words. If anything, she was concerned. Fletch eyes darted briefly at hers and Jac could see the confusion in them before the realization of what he had forgotten to do spread across his face.

"Sorry about that. I'll get to it now." Fletch answered as he stood up. He was about to leave but Jac stopped him before he could leave the room by stepping into his path and pressing her hands softly against his chest. If it was up to her, she wasn't going to let him leave the room before getting some answers.

"What is wrong with you today?" Jac asked Fletch as she took a step back creating some space between her hands and his chest.

"Nothing."

"Oh come on. You were late today, haven't done your usual check-ups on me and now this. Clearly, you are distracted, so please, enlighten me with what's on your mind."

"Jac, I said it's nothing." There was a moment when they were looking into each other eyes. Something about Fletch's expression told Jac that he was hiding something. She would've wanted an answer out of him, but it seemed like he wasn't up to giving her any. And that frustrated her.

"Okay, fine then. I'm just trying to help you, though. If you think you can scrub in for the transplant operation later today, dream on. Not gonna happen when you are like that." Her words dropped out quick and sharp.

Jac was turned around on her heels and was just about to leave the room when she heard Fletch's barely audible words.

"You do the same."

"What?" She asked as she turned around.

"Don't talk. You know, bottle everything up." Fletch explained avoiding her eye contact.

"That's just my personality!"

"Problem?" They were interrupted by Frieda stepping into the room right in the middle of Jac's sentence.

"Yes!" "No." Jac and Fletch answered simultaneously. Fletch with no and Jac with yes.

"What is it, Frieda?" Jac asked her trainee but still kept her eyes on Fletch.

"Sacha wanted to see you. It's urgent."

"Ugh."

"Up on the roof. I have no idea why anyo..."

Jac had already left the room before Frieda had had the time to finish her sentence.

'Ugh' had been Jac's immediate response to hearing that she was needed by Sacha. Well. It was her response to many other things, but also an exaggeration of how she really felt about seeing Sacha right now. She was happy about leaving the mess on Darwin behind her even if it was just for a few minutes. And Sacha was one of the very few people that she could stand. He knew how to make Jac smile and feel better, could see that there was more to Jac than her cold exterior. Oh boy, how much Jac just needed Sacha to make her feel a bit better right now.

She found him up on the roof. He was alone and leaning against the railing while looking at the horizon.

"You wanted to meet." She asked as she walked up to Sacha. He turned to look at her with his soft Sacha Levy smile on his face.

"There you are. Just wanted to check up on you." He answered.

"And you call that urgent?" Jac shook her head. She couldn't believe he had made her come all the way to the roof just to answer his question about how she was doing. He could've called or visited at her office.

"How's your day?"

"Have had better ones. We lost a patient earlier today and I just saved Fletch's arse. I don't know what is wrong with him today but he's not his usual himself. Might've been a bit harsh with him a minute ago but I can't have him in the theatre later today if he's like that." Jac replied. It was more about her justifying her words to Fletch than her explaining the situation to Sacha, who didn't even seem to be listening to her whatsoever. Jac frowned as she quickly studied Sacha's face. She could tell he had something on his mind.

"Sacha, is something wrong?" There was genuine concern in her voice.

"No, I'm fine."

"Liar." It wasn't the first time she had called him out on lying.

Sacha just looked down at his feet clearly shaken by something.

"Essie's going to get two of her moles removed next week."

"You think it's cancerous?"

"Could be. " Sacha answered bluntly, lifting his eyes and looking straight into Jac's eyes. Jac could see his pain and it hurt her deeply. Last time she had seen him as heartbroken was on the day when he had found out his daughter's leukemia treatment hadn't started to work. That same pain and hopelessness and utter uncertainty of the future, she had seen it all before. It had hurt her to see him like that back then and it certainly did right now as well. And yet she didn't really know what to do. Should she give him a hug or say something or offer him a shoulder to cry against? She didn't know. As if she had ever known how to comfort her friends. It broke Jac's heart to see Sacha like that and feel so useless.

"I'm worried about her and Dominic." Sacha said and turned to look at the silhouette of the city skyline.

"Arthur…" Jac nodded as she kept looking at him trying to read his expression. Jac could see he was fighting back his tears. She knew both Essie and Dom meant the world to Sacha, and so had Arthur.

"You still love her, don't you?"

"I never got over her." Sacha's voice cracked. Jac let out a heavy sigh and turned to stare at the city's silhouette. That was her way of showing Sacha she cared about him. They didn't need to speak or hug and it felt still enough for both of them. They remained silent like that for a moment as Sacha took deep breaths and tried to calm down.

Jac had shaved Sacha's head when he had wanted to go bald for his daughter. She had been the person who, with Essie's help, had noticed Sacha's depression and helped him to reach out for help. She knew he had been doing a lot better lately. Surprisingly good considering the shooting and the death of his colleague. Teaching new F1's had kept him busy. And maybe seeing some flowering love between Dom and Lofty had made him happy too. After all, Dom was one of his best mates. Sacha had helped him out off an abusive relationship and so clearly seeing Dom now happy and in love, made Sacha happier. But right now Jac was afraid that Sacha was going to take some major steps backward with his recovery. She didn't need to be a psychiatric or a psychologist to know that life could turn upside down at any point. That even those who seemed to be doing good, who seemed strong and like they had their life together, could start to struggle on any day.

The pair was brought back to reality by a sound of an arriving text message. Jac could feel the buzz in her pocket and from that she knew it was hers and not Sacha's. With a swift move, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and read the message.

"Ah, duty calls. Fletch needs me back on Darwin right now. Wonder what he's up to this time. I swear if he has messed something up again or has yet another new security plan, I might have to lock him up in the scrub room."

Jac could see how a grin drew on Sacha's face and that confused the hell out of her.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"What's with that face then?"

"You two make a good team." Sacha answered smiling. His eyes were still somewhat red and puffy from crying but his smile seemed genuinely happy. She smiled softly back to Sacha. The thought of someone - especially Sacha - seeing her and Fletch as a good team made her stomach twist and her cheeks feel warm. Good for her she was wearing make-up, otherwise Sacha could've been able to see that she was blushing.

"Sacha."

"Yea."

"You know where I am if you need me." She said as she patted Sacha's back. She was going to keep her eye on him.


	8. You puzzle me

This is a bit shorter this time. I'm neck deep in school work rn so idk when I'm going to post the next chapter.

* * *

Fletch had a strong dislike on Mondays, and this Monday had been such a pain in his arse. He had arrived late to work and forgotten to ask Mr. Armstrong to sign his consent forms. It was just only half past 1 in the afternoon, which meant he still had a few more hours of his shift left, and he was already so done with his day. He wanted to go home early and spend the rest of his day watching telly and eating a whole pizza just by himself. But he knew it wasn't possible.

But the hassle at work was nothing compared to what had gone down at home in the morning. He had argued with Evie.

Fletch's parents-in-law had offered to look after his children for the week. Of course, he had said yes without even blinking an eye. It meant he would have whole 6 nights just for himself. He couldn't recall the last time he had done that. Fletch loved his children to death, the opposite would never come to question. But just like other parents, he had a need for occasional kid-free time. And right now, he could use some time alone more than anything else. After Raf's death, he hadn't been sleeping very well due to the fact that A. his children kept him awake and B. he had a hard time falling asleep because of his own racing thoughts. Theo and Ella were openly missing Raf. Evie and Mikey not so much. Fletch knew his two oldests were crying silently in their rooms, but they just didn't want to show their father that they were missing their uncle Raf.

So when Fletch's parents-in-laws had offered to look after the children for a week, Fletch hadn't declined their offer. He had already made plans for the upcoming week. He'd clean and organize the house, sleep for solid 8 hours per night and maybe have a bottle of beer or two on Friday night while watching football. But Evie had made it very clear that she didn't want to go.

So right now Fletch had no clue what to do with his daughter. He had tried to talk to her which hadn't worked. He had raised his voice to her. That hadn't worked either. He had tried to reason with her. Needless to say, that had been as useless as the two formers. They were close, but sometimes Fletch simply just struggled to communicate with Evie. He was a man, and his daughter was a teenage girl. He hadn't understood teenage girls back in his teens, and he didn't understand them now either. Some things just never change. Times like this made him really miss his deceased wife. He didn't want to admit it but he felt lonely when things got this tough with any of the children.

This morning, he had let his private life affect his judgment and ability to work more than what was acceptable. He had the responsibility to look after patients and deep down he knew he was putting people in danger at the moment. Another mistake could cost someone's life. That was beyond acceptable, and he knew exactly what he needed to do to help him focus better.

"You needed me." Fletch heard Jac say. He had been so focused on staring at the computer screen at the nurse's station that he hadn't heard her walking up to him. He quickly stood up and flashed a nervous smile at Jac before looking around on the ward to check for other people. He certainly didn't want any eavesdroppers to hear anything. But the ward was too busy. No chance of them having a private conversation right there. He took a step closer to Jac, softly grabbed her hand and told her to follow him to his office.

"I need your help." He said as closed the door behind them. He was still holding Jac's hand and was surprised she wasn't pulling or showing any other sign that she wanted him to let go of her. Still, he let go of her. Merely out of respect for her personal space.

"What have you done this time?" Jac asked crossing her arms.

"Um..." Fletch hesitated. "It's about Evie. She's upset, and I don't know what to do."

"You seriously made me finish my lunch break early just to talk about your daughter?"

"Um, behave. Remember what you said earlier? This is me being open with you." Fletch said and received an eye roll he was oh so familiar with as her response.

"Evie and I fought this morning. She's been quiet lately so I asked her if something had happened and she didn't answer –"

"Fletch, she's a teenager. Sometimes teenagers just don't want to speak with their parents." Jac interrupted him.

"– I know. It's just, I don't know, I got worried about her so I snooped on her phone. Found nothing. Absolutely nothing, so I asked her again this morn – " Yet again he was interrupted by Jac.

"You actually went on and read her messages behind her back?"

Fletch nodded slowly.

"I can't believe it." Jac muttered as she shook her head. "I can't believe it."

"Sorry, but what's the problem?"

"Going through your daughter's phone is like the last thing you should do if you want your daughter to trust you, Adrian!"

"What was I supposed to do? She doesn't want to talk to me and I was worried!" He asked raising his voice unconsciously.

"To not read her messages!" She snapped back.

They stared at each other for a brief moment. Fletch could see she had light red colouration on her face and how her jaw tightened as she took a quick breath through her nose. To Fletch, it seemed like she was in pain but he didn't dare to ask about it. He didn't want to risk losing his head to the scary rottweiler, who he knew Jac could sometimes be. Besides, she would've told him if she had wanted him to know. Plus that conversation wasn't about Jac.

It was Fletch who eventually broke their eye connection. He knew Jac had a fair point. He just didn't know what to say to Evie to make her talk to him. He took a deep breath and scratched the back of his head loss with words to say.

He must've looked frustrated or clueless about what to do because it was Jac, who broke the silence between them with a question that surprised him.

"Do you want me to talk with her?"

"Would you seriously do that?" Fletch answered. He wasn't sure if he was hallucinating or not. Jac Naylor out of all people had just offered to help him.

"Yea. I need you in an operation later today and –" He could hear how a break before continuing with a slightly softer tone in her voice. "– Jonny has Emma and I'd rather be doing something else than my physio and yoga tonight."

"Alright then. If you get her to speak to you, I'll owe you a lunch."

"6 O'clock tonight. Deal?"

"Deal."

They shared a quick handshake before Jac walked out of his office leaving him alone.

"You do realise you need to do your physio?" Fletch shouted after her to which she responded by just waving her hand. He couldn't help but chuckle. Jac doing yoga? That Fletch wanted to see himself before he was going to believe that she practised yoga on a daily basis.


	9. Think I've dug myself in too deep

Jac bit her lip nervously. She didn't understand why she was doing this or for who. She shouldn't have asked Fletch if he wanted her to talk with Evie. Evie was his daughter, and it was his duty as a parent to figure out a way to communicate with her. Not hers. But, she had promised to do it so there she was. Maybe she had felt bad for Evie because Fletch had read her text messages. Or maybe it was her intuition that told Jac something was off. Or maybe - and very likely - she had just wanted to help Fletch. Whatever the motive behind her helping Fletch out was, it didn't really matter to her at this point. She had overanalysed already and was now standing on Fletch's house's porch waiting for him to open the door. She could still run away and come up with an explanation for why she had stood him up, but at this point, it felt like chickening out. Besides, she couldn't use the Emma-card because she had told Fletch Emma was with Jonny tonight.

Jac was about to press the doorbell again but right at that exact moment, the door opened and she pulled her hand back.

"Good evening." Fletch greeted her with a wide smile. He was holding a kitchen towel and using its corner to dry his hands.

"Oh please save me from that cheery attitude." Jac shot back as she stepped inside leaving Fletch to close the door behind them. She allowed him to help her remove her coat before kicking her shoes off her feet. After that Fletch guided her into the living room.

His house wasn't the biggest or the newest, Jac noticed instantly. She couldn't help but wonder how on earth the Fletcher's even managed to fit into the house. Their house had looked small-ish on the outside, and it certainly wasn't the biggest judged by the living room. But apparently, the family of 5 did fit into it. Otherwise, they'd probably live somewhere else. As Jac looked around, she had to admit that their house felt very cosy and homey and inviting. Their family-size sofa was piled up with decorative pillows and plush toys and on the floor were toy-cars and children's books. Even a person who knew nothing about Fletch could make a sophisticated guess that he had children. They had a bookshelf that was covering one of the four walls, a television, and even a fireplace. Jac didn't exactly know what she had expected from his house, but a fireplace hadn't been on the list of the things she had imagined he could have. Her own home, on the other hand, was the opposite. Neat and minimalistic with the obvious exception of Emma's room, which was full of bright colours and toys. And she didn't have a fireplace.

"Your house is nice." Jac found herself saying as she kept looking around in his living room. It was her way of breaking the awkward and somewhat unnerving silence that had fallen between them. She did genuinely mean that though and wasn't just saying it out of pure courtesy.

"Fancy a cuppa?" Fletch asked.

She shook her head as she turned to look at him.

"No, I'm good. Thanks. You know, better just go rip the bandage off." She wasn't planning on spending more time at his place than what was absolutely necessary.

"Honestly, I didn't think you'd do this for me." Fletch said quietly. He was leaning against the door frame and gazing back at Jac with frowned eyebrows. Something in him told Jac he was nervous. Maybe it was the tone of his voice or the look in his eyes or the fact that he was fiddling the towel in his hands.

"Don't push your luck. Where's she?"

"Upstairs." Fletch nodded at the stairs. He leaned off the wall but didn't take more than one step closer to Jac before continuing.

"Do you need me?"

"No, I'll be fine." Jac shook her head.

"Okay. Um… I'll be in the kitchen if you need me. Go when you're ready." And with that Jac was left alone in their living room.

As Jac was climbing the stairs up, she couldn't avoid noticing the pictures of Fletch's children on the walls of the staircase. With every step she took, she saw more pictures of his children. The whole timeline of his children growing up was right in front of her eyes. It didn't surprise her, though. If anything, she had learnt to know Fletch as a man who'd do anything for his children, and she couldn't blame him. She'd do anything for her little Emma. Well, maybe not cover her whole office - or her house - with pictures of her own daughter. Fletch, however, he had his office's bulletin board covered in pictures of his four and clearly, that didn't stop there.

Half-way up to the first floor, Jac felt a sharp pain and pressure in her side, and she had to stop to catch her breath. She was still not fully recovered and any physical activity that forced her to take deeper breaths, made her side hurt. Like someone was stabbing her while a band around her tightened with every inhale. Jac had expected her healing process to be over a lot quicker, but over the past few weeks, she had learnt that she still had a long way to go. It frustrated her that painkillers brought only temporary relief. Physiotherapy and yoga were her long-term solutions but she hated both of those things so she 'had forgotten' to practise them regularly. She just wasn't the most patient person and not seeing any improvement immediately felt like a waste of time to her.

As Jac finally got up, she saw three doors and realised she hadn't remembered to ask Fletch which room was Evie's.

"Brilliant, just great." She thought. Looked like she'd have to play the game of what's behind the door. She knocked the first door on her right twice but no-one came to open the door so she assumed the room was someone else's. Maybe Fletch's bedroom. Or a toilet. She didn't need to know. Knock on the next door, on the other hand, rewarded her with a high-pitched "Go away!" She had hit the jackpot.

"Evie, it's me, Jac. Um... Open the door for me."

If Evie had anything, Jac didn't hear it. A few seconds later the door cracked open and Jac's eyes met with Evie's. The challenging look in the eyes of the teen looked oh so familiar to Jac. It was the same look Fletch gave her every time he disagreed with her. Genetics.

"Will you let me in?"

Evie took a deep breath in. For a fracture of a second Jac feared that the teen was going to slam the door close right in front of her. But that didn't happen. Instead, Evie stepped aside, pulled the door wide open and let Jac in before climbing to sit on her bed. Jac pushed the door closed after her before turning to face Evie. Unsure whether she should sit next to Evie or not, Jac chose the safer option and didn't move from her spot. She studied Evie's face across the room and noticed the teen was clearly upset. Something in Evie resembled Jac of her younger self. Probably her crossed arms and tense shoulders.

"Your dad is worried about you." Jac took a pause and tried to find the right words. She hadn't thought what to say to Evie beforehand, so "Is everything alright?" blurted out of her mouth.

"I…" Evie seemed to hesitate. "I started my period today."

"Oh. I see."

"It's not like I can talk with my dad about these things, can I?"

Jac sighed. She wanted to tell Evie she could - and should - talk to her dad about what it meant to become a woman. As someone who was abandoned by her mother herself, she had had to figure everything out herself, so she understood Evie well. Probably better than Evie could ever imagine. Jac also knew that girls grew up learning to feel ashamed of their changing bodies, sexuality and all that jazz. Telling your parents – especially to your dad – about something as natural as periods wasn't necessarily a conversation any teen girl would feel comfortable having. Jac couldn't help but feel bad for Evie. It was crystal clear to her that Evie was a bit embarrassed about the whole thing.

"Do you need anything?" Jac asked softly, surprised by how motherly gentle and caring she sounded.

Evie just shook her head as a response and told Jac she could always google if she needed help or answers.

"Well, I know it's not easy to talk about these things but I don't think you should hide this from your dad. After all, he's a trained nurse and has spent a good part of his life with your mum and other women so he probably knows a tip or two to help you. But, if you don't want to tell him yourself, I can have a word with him. Would that be okay?"

Once again Evie just nodded.

"Jac, there's another thing." Evie continued. There was a hint of concern in her voice.

"Go on." Jac encouraged her. She was intrigued to hear what else the teen had on her heart.

"I'm worried about dad. Sometimes when I can't fall asleep, I can hear him cry in the toilet. Last week I went downstairs to get a glass of water and he was crying in the kitchen." Evie explained.

It all started making sense to Jac now.

"You didn't want to leave him alone?"

Evie locked her eyes with Jac's and nodded ever so slightly.

"Promise me you'll look after him. He needs someone now." The teen pleaded.

"Leave it to me. Now, call your grandparents and tell them to come pick you up. I'm sure they'd be happy to have you visit them. I'll go have a word with your dad." Jac squeezed Evie's knee reassuringly before standing up.

"Soap and cold water." Jac flashed a small smile at Evie before leaving the room. She had come to Fletcher's house with a slight concern of Evie, but now her heart was filled with worries of Fletch. That man certainly wasn't doing as good as he made everyone around him believe.


	10. Magic in the way you move

"Didn't think you like to cook." Hearing the voice of Jac made Fletch almost jumped in the air and dropped the wooden spoon he was holding. He placed his free hand on his chest as he turned around.

"Blimey, Jac you scared me!" He groaned, his voice in a higher pitch than usual. He could've sworn he saw a tiny smile dance on Jac's lips.

"Evie's calling her grandad. He's going to pick her up." Was her answer as she stepped from the corridor into the kitchen.

"Really?" Fletch's eyes flared open? "Well, thanks. That means I owe you a dinner. How about chicken parm and some wine?"

"Please."

Fletch opened one of the wall cabinets and pulled out two glasses, a bottle opener and a bottle of white wine. With a swift hand move, he opened the bottle of wine and started to pour it into one of the glasses.

"So what was the matter?" He asked and gave Jac a quick glance. She was leaning relaxed against the wall one foot slightly in front of the other and arms in her pockets.

"Girl things." Jac answered bluntly, shrugging her shoulders while speaking.

"Girl things?" Fletch asked as poured the wine into the other glass. But as soon as his lips had stopped moving, the realisation hit Fletch. He had to put the bottle down so that he wouldn't spill the wine all over the table. "You mean?"

Jac just rolled her eyes and let out an amused sneer.

"Oh, right. Um… did you?"

"Give her the birds and the bees talk? Nah, you're on your own with that. I don't know if you have noticed this, but she has access to the internet." There was a short pause. "You should talk with her. She could use a few encouraging words from you."

"I'll ask Serena." Fletch thought but didn't say it aloud. He just walked up to her, handed the glass of wine to her and gestured her to sit down. Fletch himself waltzed to get the plates and his own glass of wine.

At some point of the evening, Fletch found himself sitting on the couch talking anything that wasn't work-related with Jac. About things like life, children, dreams and memories. Evie had been picked up a while ago, so it was just the two of them now. Their conversation had started as the usual light chat about work stuff. But as the time had gone by and the wine had started to get into their heads, their conversation had taken a turn to more personal topics. Fletch was now sharing a story of how he had ended up having an affair with Tess behind Natalie's back. He felt unusually comfortable talking about that time of his life with Jac. He knew she had been there too and trusted she wouldn't judge him. Maybe it was the wine or maybe it was something else – her presence perhaps – but Fletch felt bubbly and light and at ease. He couldn't quite believe he was getting tipsy on Monday evening with Jac Naylor. Not the getting tipsy on Monday evening part nor the getting tipsy with Jac Naylor part. If anyone had told him a few months back that he'd be doing this, he would have peed his pants from laughing.

Fletch could tell the glass of wine had helped Jac unwind. She had positioned herself on the other end of the sofa. She was laying her legs on Fletch's lap. He watched her speak and was amazed by the way her hand waved in the air in sync with her lips' movements. He couldn't hear a word of what she was saying though. He just smiled while he stared at her face. Her deep-set eyes, cheekbones that could take a man down and her lips. He could see every single line on her face and couldn't hide his smile. She looked genuinely happy, more relaxed than he had ever seen her. Seeing her like that for a chance made him feel content.

"Earth to Fletch." He felt Jac kick his side lightly. She was clearly trying to keep a straight face but failing as the corner of her lips were curling upwards.

"Sorry, I got carried away. More wine or maybe a cuppa?" Fletch asked gently lifting her legs from his lap as he stood up.

She hesitated first but gave her glass to him with a nod.

"Just one. We both have work tomorrow."

When Fletch came back to the living room, he found Jac going through his record collection. Her eyes were fixed on the collection, and she didn't seem to notice Fletch watch her from the door. He took a deep breath, walked up to her and handed the glass back to her.

"So Raf's collection?"

"Haven't managed to find the missing record yet."

"Have you looked online?"

"Yup."

He saw Jac's eyes light up suddenly.

"Paul Simon's Graceland 25th anniversary edition!"

"What?"

"That has my favourite in it. 'You can call me Al'. Where's your player?"

Fletch pointed at the corner right next to the book self and watched Jac place the vinyl on the player. She moved the needle to the right place and pressed play. Soon the room was filled with music. First with just the accordion, then with the drums that were followed by other instruments and eventually Paul Simon singing. At this point, Jac had already turned around and she had stepped closer to Fletch. He felt Jac's hand take his own, but he did move.

"Err, what are you doing?" He chuckled unsure of what was going on.

"Asking you to dance with me." Her answer made his eyes blink. Twice. He hadn't seen her like this before, and although he found this new side of hers amusing, he was also surprised by her sudden urge to dance. To a Paul Simon record. And with him.

"Oh come on, Fletcher! I know you love to dance. I've seen your dance moves before, so you have no excuses to say no."

He felt her hand on his wrist pulling him lightly towards her. With a low groan, he finally gave in. That's what she did to him.

As they moved to the rhythm of the music, Fletch felt Jac's hand brush against his arm every now and then. She was in his personal space, and he was in hers. He didn't know if she was aware of that matter. It wasn't anything new, though. Nothing that they hadn't done before. No, they had been there for many times already. Heck, he had hugged her when she had had a panic attack. He had carried her to the wheelchair and helped her to get changed from the hospital gown into her own clothes. This time, it just didn't feel the same. It was like there were electricity and anticipation in the air. He could sense that in every breath he took. In every featherlight touch of her fingertips on his arms. He was a bit drunk, feeling high and happy and heavy in her presence. Every single cell in his body craved for closer proximity to her, and he blamed the alcohol for that. Yet, he didn't dare touch her. He knew there was a great chance she'd break his fingers if he placed his hands on her. Besides, they were supposed to be colleagues - no, friends would be a better word to describe their relationship. They had crossed that colleagues-to-friends-line a long ago, and Fletch wanted to keep it that way.

But as the song changed to the next one, to something slower, Fletch felt Jac's arms wrap around his torso from behind. It caught him off the guard and caused his heart to skip a beat. Her exhales against his back were warm. He realised he couldn't recall the last time he had felt someone else's breath against his skin like that. Although he had to be honest and admit that having her so close to him felt good, he knew it was too much. He was drunk, and so was she. There was no way sober Jac wouldn't do that.

"Jac..." Fletch began as he took her hands in his and pushed them softly down. He turned around to face her, never releasing her hands from his gentle grip. That brought Jac back to the reality. She took a quick step away from him like a compressed spring that was released. It wasn't until he felt her tug her hands when Fletch let go of them.

"Uh. I better call a taxi and head home now." Fletch heard Jac answer. She was back to the collected person she usually was.

"Yea."

Fletch leaned against the wall of his corridor and watched Jac getting dressed. She struggled to put her shoes back on her feet. Fletch helped her get dressed in her jacket and for once, she didn't even try to turn his help down. She must've noticed herself that she had had a glass too much and that could use some help. Fletch opened the door for her and held it open as he watched her grab her purse. The taxi was already waiting for her outside his house, and it was the time for good night wishes and separation for the night.

Fletch caught Jac's arm and it surprised him how warm she felt to his touch. Quite a contrast to the cold air that was blowing in from the outside. Her eyes darted to his. He could see her jaw clench but she didn't pull her arm away from his grip. He gently brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Thank you, Jac. I really mean it.

Fletch felt her arms wrap round his neck and pull him into a soft hug. It took him a second to move his arms around her but eventually, he placed his hands on the small of her back and pulled her closer to him. He could feel her warm breath against his neck as she wished him good night. He instinctively stroked her back with his thumbs. She was the first to pull away. Fletch couldn't help the feeling of disappointment flush over him.

"Good night Jac." Fletch wished her.

Jac gave him a quick nod with a soft and drunken smile before she turned on her heels and stepped outside. Fletch saw her wave her hand to him as she walked to the cab. He took a deep breath in and watched her get into the cab before closing the door that separated the colder outside from the warm inside of his house. He inhaled the thick and warm air. A dumb smile drew on Fletch face when he noticed that the intoxicating perfume of hers was still lingering in the corridor. His heart was pounding and his cheeks felt warm.

"Jeez." He sighed knowing that tonight, he had been dangerously close to crossing the line between friends to something he might later regret. He needed a cold shower to sober up.


End file.
